Anger: Where Does It Come From?
I think anger has a bad reputation. We don’t want to be called ‘angry’ and the word is often associated with things like aggression. Anger, like any emotion, isn’t bad. I don’t believe any emotions are good or bad. Anger is the part of you that loves and protects you, that will stand up for you and knows when you are being treated unfairly. Which is so important! Based on psychoanalytic theory, what makes you angry and how you express it is down to your temperament and upbringing. In this blog I explain the emotions underneath the anger, the spectrum of temperament and how your childhood influences it.
Underlying Emotions of Anger
Anger is a complex emotion, meaning it arises from a combination of other emotions. Understanding these emotions, under the surface of anger, can help us manage our anger better or know ourselves more.
Frustration and powerlessness - When you are unable to achieve something, or experience repeated obstacles
Hurt and injustice - Unmet expectations, betrayal, rejection, and experiencing or witnessing unfair treatment
Fear - Situations which make you feel insecure, unsafe or vulnerable
Grief - particularly when grief remains unresolved, or experiencing loss
Envy and comparisons - Jealously and feeling threatened by another’s presence, success, attention etc.
Your Temperament (Cognitive Flexibility)
Someone who is extremely cognitively flexible, adjusts their expectations and desires to meet the situation. They simply change, if something doesn’t turn out the way they wanted. Keeping quiet, people-pleasing and avoiding all conflict. Sounds kind of nice right? Being so laid back and taking everything in your stride? But these people can often take things for granted, disengage from things around them and become uninvested. It could appear like they don’t even care. This is the ‘aloof’ end of the spectrum.
On the flip side we have someone very ‘rigid’, with black and white thinking, unwilling to change their mind on something, even if the situation changed around them. It could appear like they blow things out of proportion. They get angry easily, but they are passionate and invested.
Of course this is a spectrum, so most people fall somewhere between the two. Where you fall on the spectrum dictates how quickly you become angry, and how intense the anger is. Where you fall on the spectrum is influenced by… not to sound like a stereotypical therapist but… your childhood and upbringing.
Your Upbringing and the Result
Depending if you were allowed to freely express your emotions as a child, or if you were told you were being ‘difficult’ or ‘emotional’ when you got upset, shape your anger today. Maybe yelling was something that frightened you, or perhaps it was something you engaged with. Perhaps you were never around it, or heard it constantly.
Your experience during the early years, and the spectrum of your temperament, leads to how you express anger, either passive or active.
If you were raised allowing to express the emotions, the actively expressed anger looks like:
Shouting
Throwing things
Hitting
Criticizing
Making threats
If you were raised to feel that anger is something to avoid, that passive anger is expressed more subtly:
Over-eating
Being late
Silent treatment/avoidance
Withholding affection
Forgetting things
So not all anger is loud, but both passive or active anger can be destructive. Usually in relationships, not just romantic, but also within family dynamics or friendships, the passive anger can be a bigger issue, as it’s never really addressing the problem or dealing with it, and can even go completely unnoticed.
I hope you take something away from my Friday afternoon thoughts and rambles. Perhaps a quick reflection on the role anger has played in your life, how you reacted as a child and how you react now. Recognising that it’s a healthy emotion to express, when done in a constructive way.
