What is a Healthy Boundary?

Your whole life is being shaped by what you say yes to and what you say no to. By what you allow, and don’t allow. This is why setting and maintaining boundaries impacts your quality of life, and all the relationships within it. Romantic, friendships, family or professional. Boundaries can also be financial, material, spiritual or time based. They are your non-negotiable. They will empower you, deepen your connection with others and improve your self-esteem.

What is a boundary? It’s a measure put into place, to protect you, with a consequence if the boundary is crossed. For example…

“Please don’t raise your voice at me/talk to me like that.” This is simply a ‘request’. How would you enforce it?

“I hate it when you talk to me like that, it really hurts.” This is a ‘complaint’, letting them know you don’t like something.

“If you raise your voice/talk to me like that again, I will leave/not continue this conversation.” This is a boundary.

The first two focus on what the other person could do differently. A boundary is about what you will do. Often a request will come first, and if it is not met, then a boundary needs to be made.

A couple of months ago I set a boundary, and in response was told I was being ‘manipulative’ and only ‘doing things on my terms’. Obviously, this was very upsetting and hurtful. But remember, people who respond negatively to your healthy boundary, are the people benefitting from you not having a boundary. How they respond is out of your control. Your priority is you.

Setting boundaries is stressful, but it’s the distance at which you can love/respect someone else, and yourself, at the same time.

Jen talking to members of the public at a talk
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Regrets, Re-dos and Real Talk