Turning 30: The Pressures of Society
The big three-oh. The number at which society reminds us that time is ticking. Female fertility starts to decline. People around us are buying houses, starting families or planning weddings. Society, or family members, tell us we should have a concrete career and settle down. We look around and compare ourselves to everyone else, to check if we are ‘on track’.
I argue that this third decade of life brings with it a new level of self-awareness and understanding. That doesn’t have anything to do with career or family.
Career and family are important, but what about other milestones that society forgets?
Overcoming trauma
Improving a chronic condition, or how we deal with it
Finding new hobbies or friendships
Learning how to set boundaries
Prioritising self-care and mental health
Having a deeper knowledge of who you are, and maybe what you want
Realising your self-worth, resilience or confidence
Dealing with grief, redundancy, heartbreak or rejection
If we measure ourselves by timelines, especially out-dated ones, we increase stress and anxiety. We minimise our achievements. We focus on all the things we don’t have, or we haven’t done, instead of the things we HAVE accomplished.
When I say outdated, the history of 30 is quite interesting. Historically it symbolised the midpoint of one’s life. Of course life expectancy has increased since then, but the mentality remained. 30 is also of great significance in the Bible, where figures, including Jesus, achieved positions of leadership.
Fast forward to 1998…
The average age for marriage was 25. For home ownership it was 26.
In 2018 the average age for marriage was 32! For buying a house it rose to 34.
(ONS, 2018)
People stay in education much longer. The cost of living is much higher. But the social expectations and measurements of adulthood remain.
Don’t get me started on the difference between men and women… how women aren’t allowed to age, but men can be a ‘silver fox’. Female actors peak at 30, while for male actors it’s 46 (TIME, 2015). Women over 30 are less considered for leadership roles (Harvard Business Review, 2023). Women over 30 are also considered less desirable in dating (Medium, 2019). Most of this comes from the ‘biological clock’, referring to the peak time of fertility for women. (Despite the fact that sperm quality also declines at 30! Anyway, I digress…)
We have about 25,000 mornings as an adult. Does that seem a lot? Or not many? To me it means nothing, I can’t actually conceptualise that number. Perhaps we should scrap the idea of measuring our lives in numbers, and focus on experiences, memories and relationships.
And all that comparing you do? Remember people generally only share the highlights of their life.
This year I experienced real heartbreak for the first time. But you wouldn’t know that, because I don’t post it on my social media. This is simply an example that you have no idea what happens behind the scenes of someone’s life. Comparison really is the thief of joy.
Simply having the ‘shoulds’ of life ticked off, doesn’t mean someone is living the life they want.
So focus on yourself. Focus on what you have achieved, not what you lack.
30 is just a number, it’s not a measure of success. If you view it as such, maybe reflect on what you define success as. In my 20s I viewed success as income and career. Now I see it as the optimism and faith you have in yourself. How you cope with life’s challenges. In my 20s I sort approval from others. Going into my 30s, success is happiness and health, and the knowledge that the only opinion that matters is my own.