Parents Mental Health Day

The role of a parent is always filled with complex emotions. Largely, a deep-rooted desire to ensure the well-being and happiness of their child. These responsibilities and expectations increase when caring for someone with skin conditions. For this year's Parents Mental Health Day, I’ve partnered up with Eczema Clothing. Here I discuss the importance of parents prioritising their mental health, while caring for children with skin conditions.

The guilt of parents…

I work with many clients who are parents, whether their situation is skin related or not! Time and time again, they report not feeling ‘enough’ for their children. Due to the guilt, they are reluctant to take time for themselves. Whether it’s meeting friends, having a regular hobby or just a long bath. It becomes a vicious circle. By prioritising their children, they neglect themselves. Then they are unable to show up for their children how they wish to.

Reminder: Putting yourself first is not selfish. When you take care of yourself, and meet your own needs first, as a priority, you are able to provide better care and support for others.

Mental health impacts one's capacity to provide care and emotional support. Skin conditions are not only painful, but they also bring an emotional and mental weight. Skin conditions like eczema and psoriasis result in visible differences. These may make children susceptible to bullying or self-esteem issues. Lowering their mood, and causing isolation or increased dependency.

Talking with my own mum, I asked her what she wished other people knew about eczema: “How much it impacts people’s lives. Unless you have someone close to you with the condition, people just aren’t aware.” 

This is echoed by Jemma, who is a mother to a 10-year-old suffering from TSW: “I wish people understood how debilitating this condition is. It’s not just dry skin. It’s a full-time job and I run on zero sleep, but still have the guilt of not being a good mum, wife or friend.”

Caregiving can include medication administration, doctor visits, skincare regimen, and finding triggers. Which are demanding, time consuming and at times, expensive. Many families turn to private tests and therapy, due to the wait-times on the NHS. The pressure of managing their child's condition can take a mental toll. If left unmonitored, it can lead to burnout.

Jemma explained the biggest challenge: “The daily routines of day-to-day life that people take for granted. You have been awake with your child all night trying to soothe them from scratching. Eventually you settle them then it’s time to wake up for school. Mentally you can see your child struggling with the condition, but as a parent you can only do so much. You want them to have a normal life, but the condition doesn’t allow them.”

You are enough. You do enough.

Watching someone you love in pain, and being unable to help, is distressing. I asked my mum what she found hardest regarding my skin condition:

“Feeling helpless. Thinking, “what can I do?”. You just want to make it better, but there’s nothing you can do, except be there. There’s very little I could do to actually ease the discomfort. It doesn’t feel like you’re doing anything or doing enough. The other thing that’s really frustrating as a parent is seeing your child failed by the medical system. The terrible long waitlists you had whilst suffering and struggling have been heart-breaking to watch.”

I want to remind you; you are not helpless. You are doing your best, and it does make a world of difference. My husband wishes he could do much more than bring me icepacks and stroke my back. But you know what? Those simple acts not only help my physical discomfort but help me mentally too. You’re helping more than you know.

Fill your own cup first!

People who experience chronic pain are three times more likely to experience depression. These mental health disorders can impact a person’s ability to manage everyday tasks. Requiring more care and affecting the mood of friends and family as well. Caregivers who neglect their mental health may find themselves emotionally exhausted, impacting their ability provide quality care.

Jemma has been caring for her son’s condition for over 3 years now, so I asked how she looks after her own mental health: “Looking after my own mental health is what I really struggle with. Having a child who has this condition is mentally draining. I’ve had to work less on my business to get some down time. Fresh air, podcasts and walking helps me.”

Acknowledging, recognizing and attending to your mental health as a parent is crucial. For everyone's benefit. So here are some do’s and don’ts for parent care givers:

DO try…

-        Professional counselling/therapy (you can self-refer via the NHS)

-        Use helplines (National Eczema Society: 0800 448 0818)

-        Join support groups and ask friends/family for help

-        Speak to a GP

-        Encourage the child to manage their own medication where possible

-        Meditation and deep breathing exercises (Apps like Headspace and Insight Timer)

-        Yoga, just 10 minutes before bed via a Youtube video

-        Journalling – write down every evening what made you smile that day, what you are proud of, what went well or what you can looking forward to

-        Spend time with other loved ones

-        Prioritise your sleep (it impacts everything!)

-        Practise a regular hobby

-        Lighten your load wherever possible, e.g. hiring a cleaner or buying ready-meals

-        Ask the child what they need, giving options as decision making will be hard for them

-        Make flexible plans, so you have things to look forward to, but it won’t be an issue if you can’t make it

DON’T…

-        Suffer in silence, help is available

-        Isolate yourself indoors. Even if your child can’t get dressed and leave the house, tag team it with a loved one so you can get outside.

-        Do everything for the child, if they can do it themselves. Encouraging independence where appropriate is healthy for both parties.

-        Compare yourself or their skin journey to others, everyone is different.

A mentally healthy parent will not only be more effective at caregiving but is also a role model. Teaching by example empowers the child to manage their condition. This improves their own mental resilience and leads to a higher quality of life.