Jealousy, Frustration & Anger: Your Inner Compass
In therapy my clients often mention emotions like jealousy, frustration, and anger. They always label these feelings "bad" or "negative." These emotions are not your enemies. I like to question their purpose. These ‘negative’ emotions can be an inner compass that guides and protects you. When you understand and embrace these feelings, it can promote growth and self-awareness.
Jealousy: A Window to Your Desires
Let’s start with jealousy. I view this emotion as a tool for self-discovery. It often highlights unmet desires. This can help us realign with what we are working towards or guide us to new goals. Jealousy often pops up when you notice that someone else has something you want. A certain lifestyle, a career achievement, relationship, or even health and finances.
Working with jealousy:
Recognize the Root Cause: Ask yourself, what exactly am I jealous of or what am I afraid of losing?
Turn Inward: Instead of focusing on the external trigger, explore your internal landscape. What does the feeling of jealousy tell you about your unmet needs? It’s a clue to the kind of life you aspire to lead.
Take Empowering Action: Use jealousy as motivation. For example, you may feel jealous of someone who travels regularly. This might reflect your value for adventure. Understanding this can help you assess your current lifestyle. Does it align with what you truly value? It can inspire you to make changes.
Frustration: A Tool for Problem-Solving
Frustration surfaces when things aren’t going as expected or planned! You might be feeling stuck, or repeatedly encountering obstacles. Frustration is actually your signal that something needs to change.
Work with frustration:
Pause and Reflect: When frustration arises, stop and assess the situation. Are you clinging to a specific outcome or approach? Frustration builds when we try to force something that isn’t working.
Explore Alternative Solutions: Use this emotion as a signal to rethink your strategy. Ask yourself, What can I do differently or is there another way to approach this?
Set Small, Attainable Goals: Break down the situation into manageable steps. Frustration can build when overwhelmed by the size of a task. Focus on one small change at a time. This reduces pressure and creates momentum toward progress.
Anger: Your Inner Protector
Anger is seen as a destructive emotion. It’s a natural response to perceived injustice or boundary violations. Anger is your inner protector, standing up for your needs and values. I like to think it’s the part of you that loves you and knows you’ve been treated wrong.
Work with anger:
Acknowledge the Message: Ask yourself what boundary has been crossed or what am I defending? Anger is a sign that something important to you (respect, safety, or fairness) is being threatened.
Express it Constructively: Bottling up anger can lead to resentment. Explosive reactions may damage relationships. Instead, practice expressing your anger calmly and assertively. Use “I” statements. "I feel angry when this happens because it makes me feel disrespected." This shares your feelings without attacking others.
Release and Reset: Engage in healthy activities to release pent-up anger. Exercise, deep breathing, or creative outlets like writing or art. They help process your emotions and return to a more grounded state.
Read more about anger, the spectrum of temperament and how your childhood influences it, in my blog “Anger: Where Does It Comes From?”
Jealousy: Approaching jealousy with curiosity and self-compassion can reveal new desires, insecurities, values or motivations within ourselves.
Frustration: Embracing frustration as a prompt to explore alternative paths or strategies can shift the mindset of being ‘stuck’.
Anger: It’s the part of you that stands up and says, enough! It helps us honour ourselves, demanding respect and equality.
These emotions are not flaws; they are signals. They point us toward what truly matters and help us navigate challenges. Instead of fearing or rejecting them, we can use them as tools for personal growth and transformation.
